President Donald Trump today revealed an agenda of sweeping reforms that he says he is now able to release because of his clearance by the Mueller report
Many pundits have been expecting an economic reset, but all were caught unprepared by Trump’s announcement that the U.S. dollar will be replaced in the new year of 2020 by a gold-backed Russian ruble. Said Treasury Secretary Jerome Powell, “That will take some getting used to”.
Health care reform was given a substantial facelift with the announcement that all U.S. citizens over the age of 18 who own a TV will be granted the right to practice medicine. It is believed that sufficient medical knowledge has been imparted to the public via pharmaceutical advertisements to allow them to “play doctor at a much higher level than when they were kids,” and that treatment fees would be much more affordable.
In an effort to abolish human trafficking, President Trump intends to shift all such efforts into the trafficking of sloths from Costa Rica. To help foster a more relaxed attitude among Americans, he said, “Everyone should have a sloth in their back yard”. All citizens who do not exhibit any more activity than their sloth will be continued on food stamps.
To help bridge the gap between the two sides regarding gun control, the president has ruled that each household will be required to have at least one gun from an approved list. Those arms so far qualifying include the Kentucky long rifle and the Hawken gun.
A series of sand pits will be located along the U.S. side of our southern border to allow for safe landings for all who are able to pole vault over the wall. “Those are the kinds of people we want here” Trump said. Those new arrivals will automatically qualify for college student loans.
Many have been critical about the amounts of money provided to politicians by lobbyists. After September one, no senator or representative will be able to legally accept any contribution exceeding a million dollars in any one calendar month. In addition, no congress person will be able to accept more than one offering from the Clinton Foundation in any one calendar year.
Finally, Mr. Trump announced that he has, in partnership with former president Barrack Obama, purchased and expanded the Augusta National Golf Club, in the interest of fostering cooperation between political factions in our country. “What better to make America great”, Trump exclaimed.
April 1, 2019